Perpetual poppycock 1

Dear Perpetual Poppycock,

It’s December. It’s Thursday. A typical day of work and school for all of us. Nothing notable to report but I could talk for hours about all of the thoughts and feelings today provoked just the same. They are countless in number. But I’ve had a break through that needs to be documented.

This is going to be my first journal entry so help me, God. The perpetual poppycock I’m struggling with trying to write a single solitary journal entry is crippling, so I am posting this no matter how terrible it reads. This is my triumph. Anyone who is also a PP suffer knows what I’m talking about.

To recap our current situation, it’s month 10 of the pandemic in the US. My house has been playing by the rules as much as possible. We have a bubble and we pretty much stick to it, with the occasional jaunt out or visit with family. Frankly, I’m pleased as pickles with so much about this way of life but it feels scary to say that out loud. I don’t like to tempt fate in either direction. To tell the universe I’m happy seems selfish. Also, calling attention to happiness has always scared me. Like the moment I say I’m happy something bad will inevitably happen. I hope that is not the case.

There is a lot to be afraid of right now, but I’ve been living a couple of my dreams and its AMAZING! On one hand theres the virus, economy, politics, the mental health decline for members of our community, the unknown future of our children post pandemic quarantine, the list of bad goes on and on. Those are heavy topics.

Instead of giving into my fears of those heavier topics, I’m focusing on all the good that I’ve lived this year. I am working from home and homeschooling my kids. We are THRIVING in both choices! It is an absolute dream come true to be able to wake up each day, accomplish so much for my job AND be able to homeschool my kids at night, with the help of my mom. The days are packed to the brim but I wouldn’t change a thing about it.

I wake up, shower, walk down the hall, and start each day with so much peace. My mornings are a joyous start to the day instead of the MMA fight they were before March. Now we all wake up and welcome the day rather than dread it. Even the kids are voicing how happy they are with our new life. It feels dreamlike sometimes.

I don’t state those things lightly. I actually struggle with how lucky we are during such a hard time for all of humanity. And here is where the perpetual poppycock kicks in and tries to steal my joy. Just to restate the perpetual poppycock melee, my thought tracks constantly hijack my ability to evolve or live my truth. Each and every goal, decision, idea, opinion is riddled with thoughts that squash any actionable items I could do to baby step my way towards my desired end result. Its like I’m constantly running as fast as I can but the ground never moves under my feet.

You would think that living a couple of my dreams would mean less stress and greater joy but the reality of pp is that my stress level is quite high and my joy is tinged with the stain of worry. Its ridiculous! I’m stressed about being happy! Who the heck does that? Well, I’m determined to stop. I don’t know how but I’m going to figure it out.

The breakthrough today was a promise I made to myself to start a journal and I’m fulfilling that now. This journal might be the key to helping me focus my thoughts enough to synthesize and take some action. Today I am happy to have the chance to live a couple of my dreams. I LOVE working from home and homeschooling my kids. It’s everything I hoped it would be!

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